twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
