Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
