It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
