apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
