White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
