we have pet lesbian snakes
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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