It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
