dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
