They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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