I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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