What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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