true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
