Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
