I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
