I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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