First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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