We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
