The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
