are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
