hotel room ftw
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
3 2 1 whiskey
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
