Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
