No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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