You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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