i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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