we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
