Plan B is the new Plan A
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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