oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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