just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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