if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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