I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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