No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
