I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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