bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
