thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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