I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
