Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
