I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You are a genius and a whore.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
