he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
