First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
