Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
