her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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