Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
