I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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