it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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