it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
