so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
