Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
