it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
