there's paper in my vomit.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
