i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
