As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
