Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
