i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
