I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
