I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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