So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
